I almost gave up. Fuck, I wish it wasn't this dark tonight. I can clearly see that there is no point in trying to swim deeper into the sea, farther away from the shore. I wish it would just stop raining and the boisterous wind would be a little kinder. The waves keep lashing at me, their attempt, if any, at hiding their sole purpose of taking me down is so poorly masked. I don't think I can do this any longer, my lungs are on fire. But how can I just let go?
I can still see the bright yellow glimmer, floating away from me. It's so far now, it makes me want to howl with pain. I can't let it go, I fought for it yes, with all of me. Ive nurtured it for almost two years now. Planned every intricate detail, thoroughly,without a glitch. I never let anyone/anything come in our way. But now, its slipping, farther by every failing attempt of mine to stop drawing a sharp breath. I need the oxygen, I can feel my lungs shutting down. There is nothing else on my mind and I have become incapacitated due to sheer fright.
Please, oh please someone help me. This is not how it was supposed to go. I came too far already, I don't think I can make my way back either. I need to close my eyes. Dad, I love you, will always, Mumma, you're beautiful, I love you so much and you two, my darlings, don't trouble mum much please,and I beg you learn from what I failed to. Last night when we had dinner together, laughed at every silly little th...fuck, fuck, fuck! I can't just let go, I don't want to. No. Please,please let me live. Do something. some fucking thing. Is this how it should all end... how I should end...
I need to turn around, find my way back somehow. If only it wasn't raining so mad. I narrow my eyes looking for the bright yellow glimmer, my heart is pounding in my ears, lulling the roar of the ugly wind. I can finally see it, but its just a faint speck now. No more bright, no more yellow. Just a speck. a flipping god damn speck. I don't have a choice.
I . will. let. you. go.
I can't muster the energy or the courage to make my way back. Mostly because you lived in me. No, you were me. Such a troll thing, this life. You have already started to become a part of the past. This alone, could kill me right now. But I try. I try to swim , use every ounce of life and blood still left in me. Its okay if I don't make it home, but at least it wont be because I couldn't stand loosing you. It won't be because I was stubborn and obstinate and refused to give up on you.
Mea culpa. I thought I might make it back but I'm numb now, my lungs are starting to take the water and my body is giving up. I'm loosing consciousness and this suddenly feels like bliss. Maybe I should just let the sea wash my pain away. I can't hear a thing. Oh, this is good. Did anyone ever have a chance to have one last thought? What if I live, what if someone somehow finds me now, or if some log decides to take me to the shore? There is nothing wrong in hoping...maybe, just maybe.
My bright yellow glimmer, my dream that I've nurtured for the past two years, is no way even close to becoming a real thing, I've accepted that now. But I probably wont drown in this sea, with the rain trying to pelt me numb, the current being its wicked self and the wind laughing at my helplessness. It needs a miracle I agree, I even know that this might just be the end of me, that I might never hear another thought of mine again. but hope is a good thing right? ...maybe, just maybe...
Current mood : indifference
Ear worm : Carnival of rust, POTF
I Love(d) : My bright yellow glimmer, my dream of pursuing a masters in one of the best universities this year. and no, there isn't a next. Things are different. and way too complicated. sigh.
I can still see the bright yellow glimmer, floating away from me. It's so far now, it makes me want to howl with pain. I can't let it go, I fought for it yes, with all of me. Ive nurtured it for almost two years now. Planned every intricate detail, thoroughly,without a glitch. I never let anyone/anything come in our way. But now, its slipping, farther by every failing attempt of mine to stop drawing a sharp breath. I need the oxygen, I can feel my lungs shutting down. There is nothing else on my mind and I have become incapacitated due to sheer fright.
Please, oh please someone help me. This is not how it was supposed to go. I came too far already, I don't think I can make my way back either. I need to close my eyes. Dad, I love you, will always, Mumma, you're beautiful, I love you so much and you two, my darlings, don't trouble mum much please,and I beg you learn from what I failed to. Last night when we had dinner together, laughed at every silly little th...fuck, fuck, fuck! I can't just let go, I don't want to. No. Please,please let me live. Do something. some fucking thing. Is this how it should all end... how I should end...
I need to turn around, find my way back somehow. If only it wasn't raining so mad. I narrow my eyes looking for the bright yellow glimmer, my heart is pounding in my ears, lulling the roar of the ugly wind. I can finally see it, but its just a faint speck now. No more bright, no more yellow. Just a speck. a flipping god damn speck. I don't have a choice.
I . will. let. you. go.
I can't muster the energy or the courage to make my way back. Mostly because you lived in me. No, you were me. Such a troll thing, this life. You have already started to become a part of the past. This alone, could kill me right now. But I try. I try to swim , use every ounce of life and blood still left in me. Its okay if I don't make it home, but at least it wont be because I couldn't stand loosing you. It won't be because I was stubborn and obstinate and refused to give up on you.
Mea culpa. I thought I might make it back but I'm numb now, my lungs are starting to take the water and my body is giving up. I'm loosing consciousness and this suddenly feels like bliss. Maybe I should just let the sea wash my pain away. I can't hear a thing. Oh, this is good. Did anyone ever have a chance to have one last thought? What if I live, what if someone somehow finds me now, or if some log decides to take me to the shore? There is nothing wrong in hoping...maybe, just maybe.
My bright yellow glimmer, my dream that I've nurtured for the past two years, is no way even close to becoming a real thing, I've accepted that now. But I probably wont drown in this sea, with the rain trying to pelt me numb, the current being its wicked self and the wind laughing at my helplessness. It needs a miracle I agree, I even know that this might just be the end of me, that I might never hear another thought of mine again. but hope is a good thing right? ...maybe, just maybe...
Current mood : indifference
Ear worm : Carnival of rust, POTF
I Love(d) : My bright yellow glimmer, my dream of pursuing a masters in one of the best universities this year. and no, there isn't a next. Things are different. and way too complicated. sigh.
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